A long time

Posted: July 23, 2016 in Uncategorized

Seriously, ‘a long time’ is a massive understatement.  Because I didn’t want to blog about sad things, about my problems, about how I wish life could be.  Because I thought things were on the brink of getting better.  But…

How is it possible that I love this woman as much as I do, that I would gladly lay down my life for her, and yet I only seem to be able to cause her misery and pain?

How is it that in her eyes I am a bully, hateful, cruel and selfish?  She tells me this, percieves me as such, and it breaks my heart.

Always, always, something lost in translation.  No, not that way, we are both native English speakers, it’s not the words that mess us up, it is the space between them, the gap between ‘I mean’ and ‘you mean’.

I have upset her again.  She tells me I have ruined the evening, and it’s not even noon yet, already I have ruined what we looked forward to.  She tells me I have broken a promise, that I am not trying hard enough, that I need to do better.

It breaks my heart to know the kind of failure I am, that I am literally trying as hard as. I can and still failing her so miserably.

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