Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

A long time

Posted: July 23, 2016 in Uncategorized

Seriously, ‘a long time’ is a massive understatement.  Because I didn’t want to blog about sad things, about my problems, about how I wish life could be.  Because I thought things were on the brink of getting better.  But…

How is it possible that I love this woman as much as I do, that I would gladly lay down my life for her, and yet I only seem to be able to cause her misery and pain?

How is it that in her eyes I am a bully, hateful, cruel and selfish?  She tells me this, percieves me as such, and it breaks my heart.

Always, always, something lost in translation.  No, not that way, we are both native English speakers, it’s not the words that mess us up, it is the space between them, the gap between ‘I mean’ and ‘you mean’.

I have upset her again.  She tells me I have ruined the evening, and it’s not even noon yet, already I have ruined what we looked forward to.  She tells me I have broken a promise, that I am not trying hard enough, that I need to do better.

It breaks my heart to know the kind of failure I am, that I am literally trying as hard as. I can and still failing her so miserably.

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If you subscribe to this blog, you’ve probably realized that I don’t post super-often. Life is incredibly hectic, I have a lot of thoughts, but no time to share them…

We got a puppy. A straight friend got a puppy from the same litter, so we went to the breeder on the same day to pick them up. She’s known us for a while and is totally accepting of us, I’ve always been completely comfortable with her.

We were in the backyard sitting in the grass and our puppy grabbed our friend’s pants by the butt to play, and my partner laughed and said ‘Oh, look, he’s an ass man, just like me.’

Our friend laughed but also blushed and immediately said ‘TMI! TMI!’ and the conversation went on to other things.

Alone later, my partner said ‘you know, if I had been a straight guy no one would have batted an eye at me saying that’

And I thought about it, and she’s right. Straight people say that sort of thing all the time and it’s chuckled over and that’s it. When I lived as perceived straight, I remember a number of conversations that way. I know that if a straight chick says ‘I’m into asses’ her friend might counter with ‘I’m into smooth backs’ or whatever, but not TMI! If a guy says he’s an ass man women roll their eyes at best.

So why this reaction? And why from a friend? I thought about it and I think it’s the same old thing that comes back to haunt us. I’m fine with you being gay, just don’t flaunt it. Mentioning being into asses and they can’t pretend that we’re asexual beings who just enjoy each other’s company.

We’ve come a long way, we still have a long way to go…

Random…

Posted: June 8, 2014 in Uncategorized

It’s going to take me a while to get back in the swing of blogging regularly.  Not for lack of desire, but it’s messy and hard to write.  I want to be open and honest about myself, my feelings and failings etc. while at the same time not letting myself slip into self-absorption.  I want to share my love and my difficulties with being in a long term relationship, but I do not want to in any way appear publicly critical of my partner.  How to document struggles and emotions without too much navel gazing and without whining or blame?